it is very difficult, however, to commit suicide at home here. there is no gas, there are no sleeping or other such pills, there is no bathtub. i would not use a gun, and i have no access to one, obviously. i could not jump off a tall building--there are none in town--or crash the car--i don't know how to drive stick shift--. so i ended up looking on the internet for "infallible suicide at home". there are no such entries. there were for painless suicides, but those were not useful. i finally succumbed to looking it up in wikipedia, and there i found the only one that i could readily use that is, indeed, infallible. usually. hanging.
so as i lie in bed with my daughter in my arms i thought of all the ceilings in the house and realized that there was nowhere to hang from... alas! but surely outside, in the little terrace? i looked at the window and saw the iron bars there and knew that indeed, they would do. so i had the most difficult part. now to the second part: what to tie around my neck and around the iron bar. there is no rope here, unlike my home in PR where my father kept long coils of rope for spelunking... a belt? but how do you get a belt that's long enough to tie both to your neck and to an iron bar? i didn't trust that method... i was growing restless... nothing at all? i went to the bathroom to pee and i saw the little electric heater and its long white cable. a cable! an electric cord thingy that is long enough and strong enough... surely that would do... i just had to practice knots...
so i had it--ig's old computer cable thing, the iron bar, and knotting. my daughter is only 5 weeks old, so i have time to figure all this out before she in fact gets to know and miss and remember me... what kills me (no pun intended!) is that once i'm dead, and all that stupid debt is cancelled, i'm dead, you know? i cannot enjoy not being weighed down by all of this crap because i'm dead.
this morning i figured out the solution, or at least, one of them: i will go to madison in january, alone.
When I was little I can clearly remember my drug addicted aunt tell my crying 6 year old cousin that she should get used to not having her because one day she was going to die and she had to learn to live with that. Little Karla cried and cried mama don't leave. And her mom would leave anyway. Karla indeed learned to live without her mother but it didn't do any good...Now her mom wants to have Karla's love, her companionship and she finds herself feeling sad and lonely and Karla having all these angry feelings toward her mother.
ResponderEliminarWhen I was about 2 y/o my parents got divorced, I didn't meet my dad until I was 15. I grew up crying every time I saw a movie or commercial with a father daughter dance, I wanted sooo bad to have a daddy, to have my daddy! My mom had several boyfriends and I wished they could fill that empty space, but they didn't.
I have seen in this TV show about a guy who finds lost family members people who have been given up by their parents for adoption or have lost contact with a mom or a dad and they have felt this sense of loss, of incompleteness, they have searched their whole lives for that missing piece. A mom is someone who will not only nurture you as you grow up but who will teach you about life, who will show you a part of who you are. If you where to die before the baby "knows" you, it would not prevent that little person from missing you, she will always have the sense of loss, of desire to meet the mom she never knew. She will always wonder why she is how she is, something she will only know by knowing you. Many personality traits are genetic, my mom always tells me that she can't believe how many personality traits I have from my dad and I never lived with him or associated with him enough to learn from him.
I don't know, being a mom is hard, it takes away a lot from you, but the rewards that you will receive and the amazing things you will get to learn from your child (yes, your child will be an AMAZING teacher of so many wonderful things you had no clue they where real)are well worth EVERY SINGLE MOMENT.
I'm here for you.