Laclau. I know.

I will read Laclau out loud again, today. I am sure that this will not cause the unborn child any permanent damage. And it will help me feel like I am being a good mother (because I am "speaking with the baby"). So what's so wrong with this, then!? Nothing, that's what!!

I have just. But I refuse!

I have just bought a "hugamonkey baby sling" in organic cotton (see http://www.hugamonkey.com/organic-baby-sling if you're really curious). And I just ordered nursing bras from motherhood.com.

This might strike you as a normal thing to do, if you're more than 7 months pregnant. You know, buying baby things. Well, it certainly is a normal thing to do, if you are a normal person. But we all know that I am not a normal person, taking as the definition of "normal" the behaviors and attitudes that fall within the parameters of normalcy of the People Bell Curve--remembering that each "people bell curve" is adapted to culture and historical period.

In any case, the fact that I have, on my own, purchased something for my unborn child means that I think that I will indeed have this child, that she will be born and need to be carried around, that this is a future that I have assumed as my own, that I am removing my emotional and psychological defenses regarding the uncertainty of the future. I am not totally optimistic about everything. I mean, I still know that anything can happen, that we can die in a car crash on our way to or from the hospital, that sort of thing. BUT, I am willing to assume that perhaps nothing of the sort will happen, which is how one lives one's life on a day-to-day basis. At least, it's how I live mine, trying to believe that indeed, tragedy will not strike so fully and totally that I might as well stop trying (to finish the dissertation, to keep the floor clean of kitty litter, to teach Alejandro and Ignacio to put their clothes where they belong once they take them off, that sort of thing...).

My thoughts on this whole baby-raising thing reveal to me that I am more concerned with things like the environment and baby happiness than I thought I was. Like I said before, I am considering environmentally-friendlier options for changing the baby. I am making Ignacio buy a "tummy tub" instead of a regular baby tub because the baby sits up instead of lying down, and that seems less stressful for the little, vulnerable infant. I think perhaps we should get a "cocoonababy" (http://www.babyemporium.com/index.php?id=504 if you're curious) because it looks so much more comfortable than lying flat on your back when you are unable to actually move your head or neck or anything substantial, just flail arms and legs... (there's also the cheaper babymoov nest http://www.babymoov.com/nid-de-nuit-298.html, and the inclined pillow http://www.babymoov.com/plan-incline-31.html) I have a normal baby-pack thing, in pink, that my mom brought me from PR, but apparently those are not good for small babies because they are forced to carry their weight when they still technically can't because their columns and hipbones are too weak. See? I look these things up and care about them...

The point is, then, that although I still refer to the baby as "the fetus" and as "it" I also have heard myself say "Sabrina". Not very often but, hey, I had to start somewhere. Ignacio says it is no longer a fetus, but a baby, but I tell him that, until birth, it's a fetus. Pure science. I have always been obsessed with using the proper names for things, it's my Confucianist strand. The point remains, that I am almost willing to be totally hurt and totally devastated by things going wrong, because I am willing to think that they might go right, that Sabrina will make it to summer in PR to meet the family... that's major!

Ignacio told me yesterday that baby's cries sound different according to the language in which you spoke to them during the last months of pregnancy. Speak to them?, I said. I don't believe in that! How good a hearing could a fetus have, to hear through the gushing amniotic liquid in the uterus, the muscle tissue within, the skin without? I think maybe playing music right onto your belly might work because of the vibrations, not actual sounds... the baby can't see well for like three months, why would it have uncanny hearing while a fetus!?

I do not speak to my belly. I have never spoken to any part of my body and I do not think that I am starting anytime soon. Sabrina is a fetus inside my belly, and she has the genetic makeup that lays the groundwork for her personality already, even though I do not know her at all. But I cannot bring myself to speak to her as if she could hear me. I have tried to convince myself that if I can speak to my cats as if they could understand me, I might as well speak to the baby-in-the-belly... but the cats at least look at me as if they understood... you know?

Speaking of which (the cats). When thinking of what to buy for the baby, when I was making my lists and stuff, I tried to imagine what it would be like to be a newborn human--soft and weak and vulnerable and unable to see well or hold your head or do practically anything other than open and close your hands, cry, smell seductively (that baby smell is proven to attract positive attention and feelings of maternal and paternal desire to care for it! smart creatures!), poop and pee, sleep, cry, suck, and flail arms and legs... It's not easy to imagine yourself like that, but it might lead you to think that as a newborn human, the world seems awful... but there come the cats. Observing Maqroll and Kofi has given me clues as to what being a human baby feels like, probably. Because cats are small, vulnerable creatures who at all times are aware of their vulnerability and relative weakness before most other creatures out there. Their supposed selfishness and traitorous nature are nothing but human misconceptions of cats' assumed vulnerability and their ways of dealing with it... But cats enjoy life. Despite imminent death and all-around danger, they enjoy life. That's how I am now trying to think "newborn mentality". And that is what leads me to look for certain creature comforts that ease the sensation of absolute vulnerability and weakness. And something else--thanks to my cats I have not had mood swings or feelings of loneliness during my pregnancy. They have kept me perennially entertained.

I know that ultimately those feelings are best assuaged by a recognition--an emotional, intuitive, chemical recognition--on the baby's part that he/she can depend on his/her parents. My case, our case, that she is safe and secure because her parents protect her and care for her because they absolutely love and adore her. But knowing this does not mean that I am totally convinced that I can/will transmit such messages to Sabri. And just in case I transmit mixed messages, I want the physical world around her to transmit messages of comfort and care, too, to compensate, you know? I want to transmit the right messages, but I do not think that I can do that at will. These message transmissions and message interpretations occur at deep, unconscious, physical, human, evolutionary, hormonal, sensual levels, beyond our control... I hope that in the end I am able to send the right messages, and that Sabrina is able to receive them. I am sure that Ignacio will send them, he sends them all the time already. His mixed and confusing messages to children come in his speech, in what he says, not in his persona, his actions, his attitude... but then there I am, to compensate. I am the one that's better with words and kids. We're a good team that way...

In the end, I read Laclau out loud, so that if indeed Sabrina is listening to the languages spoken around her, she will get used to the sound of my voice speaking English. Because I am still committed to speaking to her in English until she can speak English as well as she can speak Spanish. That will supposedly make her speak later, in comparison to monolingual babies, but that is of little importance. It's not like 2-yr olds have that many, great, interesting things to say, anyway... and then I told her, I spoke to her, directly, to my belly-with-baby-inside, that I would eventually love her the way that she needed to be loved, but that I was just slower at this, that it took me a while... she does not know, she cannot possibly know, that other pregnant women LOVE their fetuses since they know that they are carrying them, thank God. It took me a couple of days to love Kofi. It will take me less with the baby, I'm sure. But right now, do I love her? Do I love it, my baby that I do not know?

I don't know. I care. I care instinctively and I care because I care about life and living things in general. But how can I love somebody that is unborn, that I do not know, that I have not seen? I hope that the moment that she is born, I can transmit the message that I will do everything and anything to protect and feed and care for her. Because I believe that that is true, that that is something that I will feel, immediately (I hope I hope!), and that eventually, such feelings will be threaded into love.

If I see an image of a Bengali starving baby girl on TV, I will cry. Do I love that baby? I don't know it, it is as much a stranger to me as Sabrina. So I cry for some other reason, not for love... that other reason, that other feeling, I already have for my own baby. So there: I think that the right message will be sent. Love can come later, sooner rather than later, but later. I think we can deal with that, Sabri and I. Kofi did, and he's just a cat. My mother must've had a lot of reservations about loving me right away, after she lost my newborn brother in the hospital. It's life, dammit!

Well, this has helped me a lot. Thanks.

virtual baby shower: it's gonna happen...

so susana has kindly and gently and graciously, and probably, unsoundly, offered to host a virtual baby shower for my child and myself (husbands don't count in this, we all know this. it's a sad reality that may someday change, but it will not be this day, that's the truth). i do not know what that will entail, and neither does she, but it will be more than simply getting people to spend their money on my baby, trust me. that would be nice, but it's not the whole picture.

the whole picture will somehow comprehend a virtual space in which my most beloved, and internet-literate friends and family, can share a few laughs and moments with me. like a giant chat-room adorned with baby stuff into which we can all log on knowing we're there, at x or y time!? maybe... sounds do-able... id' do it... why not?

SO, do not think for a moment that i intended anybody to go buy me stuff at walmart or target or pixmania or 1000bebes!!!!! (if you are so inclined, let Sus or me know and we will tell you where to send it... ) the list is for my own use, here, as well. we went shopping last night with it in hand, and wrote down prices and places and will eventually compare and start the spending. we haven't, yet. we're too broke right now!

i do not know how or when this will happen, but i warn you, you better say you're going, even if it's just a quick i-phone hello, or else... and thanks for the nice and friendly advice that some of you have already shared with me. it's cool to be one of the last people in my cohort of friends to reproduce, everybody else can tell you the crap they went through, and i am sure that in my case, i will go through both better and worse stuff, and when it's better, i will feel like, hey, this was good, i'm good, she's good, we're good, and remember that horror story you or you or you told me... when it's worse, then i will blame the country--how could anybody get this right in Spain!?!?

so you see, it's all good.

The godforsaken list of needs

I have finally sat down (I think the correct form should be, sitten down, but that's the English language for you...) and written a list of things. Things for "the baby." It is a long, sort of, list, divided into sublists, of course, and in Spanglish.

I will actually share that list with you (and by you i mean, i think, ethan and susana) so that you may opine. (Oooh, don't you just love that verb? You should use it in speech or writing sometime, it is quite exciting...)

I have actually looked into reusable diapers, to see what's up with that, but it's a little weird, the whole washing thing. I mean, the whole drying part is what does not sound exciting if you do not have a dryer, and live in a place where winter weather is not conducive to the drying of anything... so i dunno...

On the other hand, I also have to buy, at some point soon, disposable underwear for myself (ha!) for the two days at the hospital, and pack The Bag with these, real underwear, a gown (which I don't have, so that's something else to buy), a nursing bra (ordered them via motherhood.com, my mom should bring it... i will buy one here just in case the baby is early), slippers, my "personal items" (that's what the matrona said, meaning, toothbrush and face soap and your special shampoos and special toothpastes and special face creams and lotions, etc.). For the baby you only need to bring the Clothes to Go Out into the world, and a blanket if you are so inclined... These clothes must include a little cap.

You should tell by now that I have thesis work to do--otherwise these other lists and thoughts would not get done or thought...

Things for the baby, to be brought from the States (registries):

- Swaddleme infant wrap, 100% cotton $20/2 at Walmart.com (my baby registry)

- Kiddopotamus changing kit $9 at Walmart.com (my baby registry)

- Gerber 2 pk infant gowns $9 at Walmart.com (my baby registry)

- Gerber terry socks (6 pairs) $7 at Walmart.com (my baby registry)

- Garanimals hoodie+pants, 0-3 mos. $6 at Walmart.com (My Wish List)

- Gerber 3 pk sleep and play suits, 0-3 mos. $9 at Target.com (baby registry)

- Snuzzler head and body support $15 at Target.com (baby registry)

- 3 Applique hooded towels $15.00 at Target.com (baby registry)

Things to be bought in a store here:

Now

- Cojín de lactancia Prenatal, Hipermercado, etc. (25-30 euro)

- Tummy Tub or bañera Shantala Prenatal, Hipermercado, Outlet (15-30 euro)

- Newsie knit pants (2 white, 1 pink)

- Newsie diapers Hipermercado

- Colchón anti-asfixia, mini-cuna Prenatal, Outlet, etc.

- Juego de sábanas, mini-cuna Hipermercado, etc.

- Toalla (1) Hipermercado, etc.

- Toalla con capuchita (1) Hipermercado, etc.

- Hamaca/gandulita
(At www.pixmania there's Fisher Price Grow With Me for 57 euro and a 1-size for 35 )
Or the cheapest one at Hipermercado

- Humificador en frío
(Star Humificador/night lamp: 57 euro @ pixmania)
Or the cheapest one at Hipermercado or parafarmacia

- Cepillito, tijeritas cortauñas, bobos Hipermercado or parafarmacia

- Pads de silicona para pezones Parafarmacia

- Loción anti-estrías Hipermercado or parafarmacia

- Loción humectante para bebé Hipermercado or parafarmacia

- Jabón cuerpo/pelo para bebé Hipermercado or parafarmacia

- Aspirador nasal Parafarmacia

- Botecito de suero fisiológico Parafarmacia

- Bote de alcohol 70 Parafarmacia

Maybe later

- Sacaleches manual Parafarmacia

- Bolsas/recipientes para guardar leche Hipermercado o parafarmacia

- Cucharitas para lactancia Hipermercado o parafarmacia

Things to buy online here:

- Babymoov almohada, 25 euro www.pixmania.es

- Cocoonababy, 130 euro www.pixmania.es, PLUS

- Cocoonababy extra sheet, 18 euro www.pixmania.es, OR

- Babymoov nido de noche, 60 euro www.pixmania.es

Things for later:

- Trona de director Hipermercado

- Platitos, vasitos, cubiertos Hipermercado

- Hamaca/Apoyo para el baño
(10 euros en www.1000bebes.com or Hipermercado

- Más ropa Hipermercado

- Kiddopotamus tinydiner portable placemat, $11 at Walmart.com (In my cart)